This is for me....
Tonight I ate dinner with Sheila. She is the most awesome person. I love how tall she is and how she carries herself. I feel like I am in the presence of happiness when I am with her. It is a wonderful feeling.
Life for me right now is a constant struggle. I struggle with every aspect and it is getting exceedingly old. I decided to blog again tonight to try to post a beginning of progress. I need to move on. I need to find a purpose in life that is all about me. Everything I have ever learned in life has said that is selfish, but now I realize that it is essential. Otherwise, I will die. My focus has always been others and now, the focus is gone. My others were my children and my spouse, when I had one. Now I am alone. I must find new purpose and it is very difficult to do. Fifty-two years of defining who you are based on relationships that change and sometimes die is ludicrous and yet, it is what I have done. I can blame no one but myself. My mom is not like that; she never was. I didn't understand it and frankly, I resented her detachment from us, and now, I understand that it was a good thing. The funny thing is, her life has become more like mine is and she is happy in it.
I am going to begin by removing "stuff" from my place. I am going to rid myself of all the items that chain me to the past. I have lived my life collecting memories and the things associated with them. Now I recognize I must let go of the things and some of the physical ties to the memories in order to have a life now. I am tired of living in the past and longing for the past. The past is gone and my efforts to memorialize them are futile and demoralizing. I will always have memories but I must get about making new ones. In the end, it is the memories in my children and grandchildren that will be my legacy, not my memories. I now recognize that those too will fade as the children and grandchildren move on. It is a part of the cycle of life. My trying to slow the cycle is a futile and unfulfilling fantasy. I will move on and I will make new moments in the sun.
Life for me right now is a constant struggle. I struggle with every aspect and it is getting exceedingly old. I decided to blog again tonight to try to post a beginning of progress. I need to move on. I need to find a purpose in life that is all about me. Everything I have ever learned in life has said that is selfish, but now I realize that it is essential. Otherwise, I will die. My focus has always been others and now, the focus is gone. My others were my children and my spouse, when I had one. Now I am alone. I must find new purpose and it is very difficult to do. Fifty-two years of defining who you are based on relationships that change and sometimes die is ludicrous and yet, it is what I have done. I can blame no one but myself. My mom is not like that; she never was. I didn't understand it and frankly, I resented her detachment from us, and now, I understand that it was a good thing. The funny thing is, her life has become more like mine is and she is happy in it.
I am going to begin by removing "stuff" from my place. I am going to rid myself of all the items that chain me to the past. I have lived my life collecting memories and the things associated with them. Now I recognize I must let go of the things and some of the physical ties to the memories in order to have a life now. I am tired of living in the past and longing for the past. The past is gone and my efforts to memorialize them are futile and demoralizing. I will always have memories but I must get about making new ones. In the end, it is the memories in my children and grandchildren that will be my legacy, not my memories. I now recognize that those too will fade as the children and grandchildren move on. It is a part of the cycle of life. My trying to slow the cycle is a futile and unfulfilling fantasy. I will move on and I will make new moments in the sun.
Labels: The new me.
posted by AnnKMc at
6:34 PM
1 Comments:
You have removed "stuff" from your life. You have blazed a new life for yourself without looking back. I am proud of you. Love you!
By
Anna, At
11:28 PM
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