It's Becoming More Real

Monday we went to court. CPS took Mandatory Custody of Talon and placed him with me. It was surreal. I am so sad for Katherine and although I am glad for Talon that he will have a safe and happy place, I am so sad that my daughter is so sick and incapable of taking care of her own children. She lvoes them I know. She just can't handle life.

I am beginning to understand that in a year, Talon will probably be mine permanently. He is so precious and it is such a gift to watch him grow. He is amazingly resillient. He has been through so much and yet he laughs and explores. He has a wonderful sense of humor, running here and there, engaging others. Last night at church he was running to his little friend Liam, back to Liam's mother to report something (no one knew what he was saying) and back again to Liam. He had pneumonia in January so everyone at church was thrilled to see him so active and having such a good time. I love him so much. Being with him all the time makes me so happy and yet it is bittersweet missing my other grandchildren so much. I am hoping Lauren, Emily, and Blake get to come to my house over spring break. We will have a great time playing games and doing fun things. They bring such joy to my life.

Who knows what the future holds for us. I see lots of adventure and good times. I also see heartaches and trials. Is that what getting old does to us?

This is for me....

Tonight I ate dinner with Sheila. She is the most awesome person. I love how tall she is and how she carries herself. I feel like I am in the presence of happiness when I am with her. It is a wonderful feeling.

Life for me right now is a constant struggle. I struggle with every aspect and it is getting exceedingly old. I decided to blog again tonight to try to post a beginning of progress. I need to move on. I need to find a purpose in life that is all about me. Everything I have ever learned in life has said that is selfish, but now I realize that it is essential. Otherwise, I will die. My focus has always been others and now, the focus is gone. My others were my children and my spouse, when I had one. Now I am alone. I must find new purpose and it is very difficult to do. Fifty-two years of defining who you are based on relationships that change and sometimes die is ludicrous and yet, it is what I have done. I can blame no one but myself. My mom is not like that; she never was. I didn't understand it and frankly, I resented her detachment from us, and now, I understand that it was a good thing. The funny thing is, her life has become more like mine is and she is happy in it.

I am going to begin by removing "stuff" from my place. I am going to rid myself of all the items that chain me to the past. I have lived my life collecting memories and the things associated with them. Now I recognize I must let go of the things and some of the physical ties to the memories in order to have a life now. I am tired of living in the past and longing for the past. The past is gone and my efforts to memorialize them are futile and demoralizing. I will always have memories but I must get about making new ones. In the end, it is the memories in my children and grandchildren that will be my legacy, not my memories. I now recognize that those too will fade as the children and grandchildren move on. It is a part of the cycle of life. My trying to slow the cycle is a futile and unfulfilling fantasy. I will move on and I will make new moments in the sun.

Ann's Anntics

Who is this man? School is almost over. Fourteen days to go with my babies. It is always a melancholy feeling. RELIEF that the rut is rising to an open road, and anticipation sprinkled with sadness to see them go. I can honestly say this year that I don't want to lose a one of them. They are all wonderful kids. I don't have a bad one in the bunch...all of them are bright, inquisitive, and make me feel like they know I care. The problem is, I have not been able to reach all of them to learn what I would have liked them to learn, but I must say, one of our goals is for them to be able to change fractions to decimals to percents to decimals to fractions...and so on. At the beginning of the year, I always tell the kids it is like eggs...scrambled, boiled, fried, whatever, and egg is an egg. The value of the number doesn't change, just the way it is presented. They smile because they know they are getting a crazy teacher. They did, and I got beautiful minds. But by golly, they can change those numbers, and almost effortlessly. Their speed amazes me and their self satisfaction is obvious. It has been such a privilege to get to know them and love them for the unique people they are. I tell them to come see me in 20 years. I want to know them then.

And then to the title of tonight's post. Who is this man? Matthew... Several months ago, I saw him online with the name...Moondoggy. For those of you who are as old as me...you may remember the Gidget movies. Moondoggy was the hero. I asked him if that was his memory and he said yes. We exchanged nicities and that was it. As time passed, we had random pleasant conversations about what we were doing and our lives in general. I even told my oldest daughter about him...a friend I had made in a nearby state. We share so many life experiences including two children born in the same year. It was an interesting friendship and nothing more.

Fast forward to today. I'm not sure when things changed...but man did they change. I am so flattered, and yet mystified. Matthew is wonderful, in some ways too good to be true. He is helping me remember what my dreams were. Life had stolen my dreams. I thought they were unrealistic...and maybe they are, but he is willing to help me see. I do not know what will happen. We will meet and greet next weekend and continue our journey as friends. I am so excited to know him. He is making a difference in my life. Who knows where the journey may end...

Ann's Anntics

She did it again... I cannot believe this woman. She is without a doubt the most cruel, power consumed person I have ever met. She absolutely cannot think of anything positive to say to anyone unless it butters her bread. I am in disbelief. In my twelve years of teaching I have never met an administrator like her. Today it was my co-worker who was the brunt of her madness. Nicole is the most positive person I know. She has an uncanny wit and a presence among the students that is compelling. Today, she was near tears. I cannot believe that 36 days before the end of school we are being "molded" into the teachers we "should have been" all year. What a ludicrous position this woman has taken. Not only that, none of us will be returning to her campus because our jobs have ended. Sixth grade will no longer be housed on her campus. So, she is doing this heroic reshaping of our methods and ideology so that we can implement it after state testing and then leave it on her doorstep? She is an absolute idiot. One of my coworkers is a 33 year veteran of teaching. Can you imagine? Why would you want to create such an atmosphere of tension and resentment? I will NEVER understand.

I hope at least one person in authority reads this and recognizes how absolutely ridiculous micromanagement is.

Ann's Anntics

Another Day... Well, it is Thursday night and I have survived another day. Today I looked around my room at school and thought about my profession. It is amazing what teachers are asked to do. I spent some time in my adult life in the corporate world. I had a demanding job and absolutely loved it. It was only after working my way through a maze of responsibilities and ending up with no job because of a corporate buyout that I decided to come back to teaching. I read Tuesdays with Maury and felt this inspiration to go back to teaching. I need to read it again. My inspiration has been replaced by perspiration and frustration. I find our responsibilities endless, our accomplishments minimized and often unrecognized, our daily duties constantly increasing and our professionalism undermined by arbitrary standards. It is impossible to determine the effectiveness of a teacher in a year. I told my students the other day that I want them to come see me in 20 to 25 years. They will be in their mid-thirties. Maybe then I will know if I made a difference in their lives. Maybe then THEY will know if I made a difference in their lives. I cannot undo parental apathy or overindulgence. I can only work to create a relationship that allows me to influence them slightly and teach them to love to learn.

The father of one of my students told me the other night that he didn't worry about whether his son really did all that well in school. His son is very bright and can be quite a delightful young man but upon lamenting I wished he would meet his academic potential, his father informed me that in the end it was really people skills that would make the difference for his son. He is not worried about whether or not he reaches his academic potential. I looked at him and thought, "Well thanks for negating the validity of my purpose. I'll just try to help him be a good bullshitter and that will make him a success in life."

On the other hand, the same man bemoaned the money he would make with a master's degree if he started teaching school...after all, teachers shapee the lives of the children of America. This really is a hard profession. System Analyst was a snap and people ooed and awed at that title. I rarely brought home work. I didn't agonize over what to do and how to do it. My opinion was valued and my judgement trusted. Now, my opinion absolutely doesn't matter and my judgement is questioned every day.

No child left behind makes for great politics but our education system breeds apathy for students and burn out for teachers. Something is wrong with how Americans look at education.

Another Day...

A Day without Incident Believe it or not I was alone today. The problem is, I still was in my room afraid that the door would open. It is the strangest feeling to be "fearful" someone will enter my room. I have never felt that way in my entire teaching career. I have always said, "Come on in...any time!" Now, I want to scream, "Please, leave me alone. Don't bother us. We are trying to learn!" The big test is a week from Tuesday. I am so ready. I realize some of my students aren't. I don't think I could ever get them ready. I can't make them think. I can't make them think about what they are doing. Some just want steps...one, two, three, the Answer! The problems are no longer that way. When I was young we worked 100 of the same problem over and over. Now, every problem is different. There is no feeling of accomplishment for the student, especially if they "don't get it." It is only confusion and "this one isn't like the last one." I don't know what to tell them other than to THINK about what they are doing. Understand the why they are doing it so that they understand the how when it looks just a little different or comes from the back side of it. I want to tell them, they have to do it. They have to learn how to think. And then I think, you are 11 years old. Why do I think you should act 40? I don't know how to help them, I really don't.

So, here's my vent. I am trying. What more can I do?

I will take charge!...

New Leaf...I decided to take the plunge. I want to change the way things are right now at work and so I am using this platform to make a committment to myself. I have to endure this year. That is all I have to do. I do not have to be great, I don't have to win any cuddos, in fact, I will never get my principal's approval. It does not matter. I don't have to be great, I have to survive. I want to have my act so together when I get there every day that getting through the day is a walk in the park. If she comes in and is all intimidating, I will just continue and ignore her. I will concentrate on my students and what they are learning. I will continue to be a person they can relate to and someone they knows cares about them. To hell with her.

Sometimes I wish people knew how really hard it is to be a teacher. Very few I know are in the field for their subject. We are there for the students. It is the give and take of teaching on our part and the learning on theirs that fuels us. I don't know many that are just there for the job. I personally am not naive enough to think that I reach all my students. I don't even think I reach the majority on the level I would like to, but I do believe that I make a real difference for a few. Right now my focuss is on Jose. Gosh I wish I knew how to really reach him. If you are the praying kind please pray for Jose, Javier and Kyle; three little guys in my class that really have not had the self confidence or motivation or something to achieve. It is heart breaking to think that they consider success something they will never know. How do you help someone who is pretty much ignored at home and left to make their own way see that education can be a tool to help them be more. I haven't figured it out. Please let me know if have ideas.

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about my students as individuals. Sometimes I think it is wasted energy. I am not sure it matters.

I will return.